Screw likability and own your success
Knowing our strength doesn’t have to be a self-confidence dump on other people.
When was the last time you were praised at work and responded with, “Thanks, I put a lot into that”? Chances are, it was more like, “Needs improvement” or, “I had a lot of help.” No matter our industry or individual skillset, most of us find it impossible to accept any acknowledgment of our achievements.
I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a few of you while out and about in Shanghai. Queuing for a coffee or halfway through a haircut, you’ve popped over to say hello and talk about my work. Instinctively, I’ve rattled off a monologue about how I’m developing my craft or wanting to get better at my job. Last week I apologized for the fact Photoshop doesn’t work in real-time.
Afterward, I have two emotions. First, I’m delighted to have met you and inspired to be your columnist. Next, I’m frustrated. At myself, that is, and this knee-jerk reaction to refuse recognition.
We drive ourselves into the ground — spending most of our waking hours at work — but when our success is highlighted, we freak out. And our compulsion isn’t confined to the workplace. It could be the acknowledgment of a few Chinese words we’ve picked up, the improved posture of our downward dog, or our bold pairing of statement socks with chinos. We’re incapable of taking recognition on the chin. Why?
I think it’s down to the self-deprecating culture we live in. We’re conditioned to believe we’re more likeable when we’re flawed. And when we’re quick to acknowledge our imperfections, we become more appealing or approachable to others. We belittle, make excuses and apologize for our shortcomings to avoid looking arrogant. It’s behavior we applaud. Ever swapped big-boss or celebrity encounter stories and cooed over how modest someone was? I have (David Beckham).
It’s as if by denying our strength, we ensure other people aren’t intimidated. And by shaming those that embody their achievements, we protect the status quo. But obsessing over likability devalues personal merit and undermines those offering theirs. Worse still, we open ourselves up to being walked all over.
Earlier in my career, I was employed to revamp a tired magazine. It was an opportunity I relished, but at times I was overwhelmed with work and out of my depth. Eventually, I hired an extra pair of hands to help share the load. But before we’d even begun, I was making excuses for my shortcomings and the holes in our publication. As I did, this woman’s attitude toward me changed, and soon enough, she was publicly criticizing my decisions and bullying me. It got nasty, downright “Single White Female” at times. The most infuriating part? I could have put a stop to it sooner than I did. I was too slow to address her behavior and too self-conscious to readdress the power balance. I allowed her to belittle me because I was too afraid of how I’d come across if I didn’t. It took her turning on someone else in our team for me to draw a line. It irks me to look back on it.
Slowly I’m learning how important the language we use about ourselves is. My job involves working with lots of people, and I love it. It’s a bonus if I like the person I’m collaborating with, but it’s essential they instill confidence in their ability. Phrases like, “I think I can” or “I’ll try” are a turn-off. And as harsh as it sounds, when people doubt themselves, we question them too.
Knowing our strength doesn’t have to be a self-confidence dump on other people. But it does involve believing in ourselves from the outset. If Linda Johnson hadn’t trusted her ability to showcase locally-designed goods to shoppers in Shanghai, we wouldn’t have the treasure trove that is Madame Mao’s Dowry. If Greg Jurksztowicz doubted his power to cure hangovers with unspeakably good grilled-cheese sandwiches (try the onion marmalade — it’s homemade), we’d be missing Co. Cheese Melt Bar.
From entrepreneurs to artists, teachers and traveling spouses, our city is filled with powerful people. Be it launching a business, or starting a new life in a foreign country, being here is an accomplishment.
I roll my eyes at cliched social media posts — “Never underestimate your strength,” “Believe, and you’re halfway there,” “Screw likability, I’m not a WeChat moment” (the last one was mine) — but there’s a reason they exist. Sometimes we need reminding of our capability, so the fruits of our labor don’t spoil. What’s more, when we own our success, we empower others to do the same.
So next time you’re praised at work or elsewhere, take credit for your strengths, and, dare I say it, power. Just say, “Thanks.” Because from where I’m standing, you’re newsworthy.
