TO be or not to be — this is really a serious question for Chinese parents when it comes to sending a child to boarding school.

A survey released in late January by Growing Home, a Beijing-based NGO dedicated to the education of rural children, revealed the psychological problems that children boarded at countryside schools suffer, as well as the bad living conditions.

The report sparked wide discussion, even among parents and experts in cities like Shanghai, who are also concerned about whether it’s appropriate to house a child at school, especially those at young ages.

“My husband and I are fully occupied with our jobs, and both the grandparents are not in good health, so I am thinking of sending my 4-year-old daughter to a boarding kindergarten,” says Lily Song, a 36-year-old human resources manager at a multinational company in Shanghai. “But many of my friends and relatives are against the idea, and I am still hesitating.”

Traditional Chinese values hold that family members should stay together and children are not far away from the parents. So for most Chinese parents, boarding school is the last choice for their kids.

“It is definitely unacceptable, at least for me,” says Su Wei, a stay-at-home Shanghai mother of a 7-year-old son. “I don’t want to miss any moment in his growing-up period. I also had such problem before in balancing career and family. Finally I gave up my career, as I wanted to provide my son a loving and caring environment, not a ‘cold’ boarding school.”

Wang Jia, a 42-year-old editor in Shanghai, still clearly remembers her days as a child in a boarding kindergarten.

“At that time, both my parents were working outside Shanghai, so they had no choice but to send me to a kindergarten here. Even today I can still feel the solitude and homesickness.

“Frankly, I thought such experience was not good for a little kid, and perhaps that’s why I am not a person with much sense of security.”

In the eyes of Feng Yalan, a local psychological consultant, “boarding schools don’t have much influence on a child if he/she enters the high school.”

“But for those in kindergarten or primary school, it is better not to leave the family, because this period is so important for a young child to build up right values, and they can be easily influenced by the environment or others,” Feng says. “The power of love and care from their parents is so strong that it may affect their life in the future.”

From incomplete family

Rebecca Wei, a 45-year-old financial consultant, tells Shanghai Daily about her observations of the resident students at primary schools.

“I’ve seen many such children who are usually not from a complete family; some have stepmother and some have stepfather,” she says. “Based on my experience, most parents don’t have the heart to send their kids to boarding schools. But for a divorced and remarried family, sometimes it is a headache to deal with the relationship within the family; sending the child to a boarding school seems an easy solution.”

Chen Lijin is such an example. The 38-year-old mother of a 13-year-old son has got remarried.

“There is actually no conflict between my son and his stepfather,” she says. “They are very polite to each other, but there is something awkward. To make them both feel comfortable, I decided to send my son to a boarding school, which I also believed could help him become more independent.”

Shirley Xu, 39, a Shanghai mother, plans to send her 5-year-old twins to a boarding primary school.

“My husband died several years ago, and I am fully occupied with my business,” she says. “I rarely have much time for the kids.”

Although most Chinese parents hold mixed feelings toward boarding school, their attitude changes when their children enter high school.

“I suggested my son apply for a boarding high school this September,” says Christine Liu, a white-collar worker in her 40s. “First, it saves time on the road, which he could use on his study. More importantly, living by himself at school will make him more independent, which will definitely be beneficial for his future life.”

Liu’s words are echoed by Wu Yongjie, mother of a 17-year-old son.

“My son has been admitted to Shanghai High School, one of the top schools in the city,” she says. “But we live far away from the school, almost a one-hour drive. The school requires them to show up for morning exercises at 6:20am. If my son doesn’t live on campus, then he has to get up at 5am every day.”

In Shanghai, usually only the top schools, public and private, provide boarding service.

“That’s perhaps why local parents are willing to send their children there,” Wu says.

According to psychologist Feng, the experience acquired in the boarding high school helps children grow up.

“They will know how to get along well with other people, as most children are the only child of the family, who can be quite spoiled and self-centered,” she says. “The 24-hour collective life will teach them a lot of things that could barely be obtained within the family.”

Fei Li, a 17-year-old student at a local boarding school, says he was not accustomed to such life at first.

“Although I felt quite annoyed about the nagging of my mother at home, at least I don’t need to worry about any chores,” he says. “Here, nothing is ready. I have to wash clothes, tidy the bed and fill the hot water bottle.

Collective life

“At the beginning, I was missing badly the care of my parents. Later, I felt better as I am more independent to take care of myself. I plan to go to an American university in three years. So this is the first step to ‘walk out of the shelter from the parents’.”

According to Feng, recognition from their peers counts greatly for middle-school students. “The collective life will teach them to consider the feelings and response of others, and become more tolerant or even make compromises.”

For Lily Li, her own life was reborn once her daughter went to a boarding school.

“Now I am totally free, and I don’t have to wake up early in the morning to prepare the breakfast for her and then drive her to school. I can also meet with friends or just be a couch potato,” she says.

“All my friends said that I look prettier and happier than before. What is more important is that I found my daughter is more considerate and independent. I am happy to see that she grows up like a big girl,” Li adds with a smile.