Marriage a struggle for many young couples

More than 50,000 couples divorced in Shanghai last year, with 56 percent aged 40 years old or below.

In total, 51,428 couples with at least one Shanghai partner broke up in 2018.

Some 14,680 people seeking a divorce were aged below 30 years old, with 8,946 petitioners female, according to the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau.

Another 42,579 were aged between 30 and 40 years old, with 22,018 petitioners women.

On average, 140 couples divorced in the city every day last year.

Some 41.3 percent said they were filing for divorce because of emotional incompatibility, 28.99 percent cited loss of affection, while 25.96 percent said they were ill-fitting in characteristics.

Shasha Shen and her husband Laomao, not their real names, married in 2015 but are now estranged.

Shasha can’t recall the last time they had a meaningful conversation.

“Seven days out of 10, he spends the night somewhere else,” said Shasha. “I don’t know where he is and to be honest, I couldn’t care less about his whereabouts.”

After she graduated from college, Shasha became a receptionist at an insurance company where she and Laomao met. Shasha was born in 1990, Laomao is seven years older.

They dated for a couple of months and then got married.

“It seemed right to get married, when your family was rushing you all day and your friends were telling you about the right thing to do,” said Shasha.

But it soon went wrong.

“He was a boring man who knew nothing except fishing and playing video games,” said Shasha.

Their conversation often ended up in awkward silences.

She likes to hang out with friends and go shopping, but Laomao spent most of his time in the bedroom playing “League of Legends,” a popular video game.

“I tried to tell him a funny thing that our kitten did the other day,” said Shasha. “He took off his headphone a few minutes later and said: ‘Sorry, what were you saying?’”

Shasha tried to fix the relationship by asking Laomao out for dinners or a movie, but it was too tiresome.

“All the words were sucked in by a vacuum when I faced him,” she said.

She now admits she was never that passionate about the marriage.

“I didn’t know if I loved him or not back then,” said Shasha. “But I’m sure I don’t love him now.”

Shasha decided to divorce with Laomao in 2017, but her parents warned they would never talk to her again if she did.

Laomao was more than reluctant to separate.

“He was always begging me to forgive him, to give him another chance,” Shasha shrugged. “But there is nothing to forgive, I simply don’t like him anymore.”

Shasha said the reason why she gave up on a divorce is that she does not want to have children.

“If I’m single, my parents would force me to marry someone else and have a kid,” Shasha said. “At least they will leave me alone for now. Laomao takes the blame.”

Experts said young people tend to be more self-centered in a marriage.

"Compared with their parents, people born in the 1980s and 1990s are less tolerant as they were often pampered under the one-child policy," said Ren Xuemei, a marriage and family counsellor at the Chinese Academy of Sciences.

"They have different lifestyle and growth experience from their parents."

In the movie “Before Midnight,” the third of Richard Linklater’s “Before” trilogy, the pair, Jesse and Celine, struggle to get through every day without fighting.

Molly Zhou, also not her real name, who was watching the movie on her iPad sighed when Celine finally told Jesse that she doesn’t love him anymore and slammed the door.

Molly is 29, a typical millennial who loves South Korean pop and TV drama series. Married in 2012, she is now a mother of two children, a 5-year-old boy and a 1-year-old girl.

She said she sometimes feels like she is Celine. Someone who gave up their career and social relationships for her husband and family. She has been a full-time housewife for four years.

“I’m the one who always takes my children to school every day, and hospital when they are having a fever. I’m the one who quit the small restaurant business to stay at home,” said Molly. “I get no support at all, not from my husband, or my mother-in-law.”

Molly met her husband in a middle school where she was working. At the time he was a police officer and was giving a guest lecture about public safety to the students.

“He was good-looking for one thing,” said Molly. “He was also a great fun.”

They dated about a year and got married. Days go by, Molly often found herself racking herself to find something to talk to Sam. Most of the time, Sam was doing the talk, about his job and trifles like he washed the car but it soon rained afterward.

“I would prefer watching movies or TV dramas if I don’t have to mind the kids,” Molly said. “And being alone.”

There are many reasons behind young couples divorcing, said Yu Weiting, director of the Yangpu District marriage registration center.

"With the improvement of livelihood, they have higher spiritual demands," she said.

"Sometimes, people bring negative emotion to their families after work because of pressure, leading to obstacles in communication," said Yu.

"The social positions of women in modern society have been lifted, and they are more independent. Some women believe they could live alone after divorce."

Molly had a falling out with her husband last year when she found out her husband lost a fortune in an investment but didn’t tell her.

“It turned out I was the last one to know about it,” said Molly. “All my friends and my family helped him hide it from me."

Molly went to the civil affairs bureau once, to divorce her husband. But the officers asked her to think twice.

“Think of your children,” they said to Molly, “your new-born baby.”

Eventually Molly gave up on the idea of divorce. She found that she didn’t hate her husband for his failed investment, but the feeling of being trapped at home.

“I’m not sure if it’s the right decision to make,” said Molly. “It’s all for the kids.”

In front of the children, Molly and her husband are always respectful of each other. But Molly knows there is a line that had been drawn, after seven years living together.

“Sometimes it’s better if I don’t ask,” said Molly. “It’s good for both of us.”

Court figures show that between 2016 and 2017 two to seven years after marriage was the peak period for divorce.

Last year, 103,710 couples tied the knot in Shanghai, a drop of about 3,000 compared with 2017, according to the Shanghai Civil Affairs Bureau.

Shasha sniffed at the figures. “It must be worse,” She said. “Look at me, still married but better off divorced.”

Occasionally Laomao comes home but sleeps on the couch in the living room.

“I sometimes vaguely heard him playing the game,” said Shasha. “But he would be gone by the time I got up.”